Unification

I've written but the words haven't made sense. It's like staring at a painting and not quite being able to figure out what it means to you. If you stand long enough staring at the edge will you eventually fall regardless of the decisions you have made? Babble, it all just feels like babble. What I have decided to do is take key phrases out of my unpublished posts and collaborate them in this post. Hopefully what will be created will be a montage of my thoughts without a desired ending.

February 18th, 2007
Someone once told me there is no such thing as an easy path. The truth of the matter is that nothing is easy, there are only different kinds of hard.

February 8th, 2007
Keep moving. Don't close your eyes. You don't want to miss the beauty of the life you are building. It's ok to fall as long as you get back up. I have to believe that because I am going to fall. Everyone falls. It's a part of what makes us who we are and it's in the falling that we are continually molded into something greater than we were the day before.

January 22nd, 2007
The guy on the radio stated this morning that today is the most gloomy day of the year. It's the time when money is tightest because of all of the holiday bills that are flooding in, New Year's resolutions have gone out the window, we are in the middle of winter and are missing the sun, and it's the day that most people claim to feel the most miserable. It's a Monday.

January 8th, 2007
It's alarming to wake up one day and realize you may have made the wrong decision. Suddenly the world melts away and you are left standing on a street corner unable to hear the noise and unable to move your feet. It seems you are standing on the wrong street corner. Months have gone by and reality has been dirtied with painful memories and snap decisions. The distance feels palpable. The events that have taken place in my absence are crushing.

Sometime in February...
I used to stand on the edge of the pool of my soul looking down into it. I saw my reflection occasionally in it if it was a clear day. Most of the time I just stood and stared, mesmerized by the light at the bottom of it. Mesmerized and terrified. I stood on the edge safely and pessimistically.

I don't believe I made the conscious choice to jump in, but the choices I did make warranted it. So now I'm swimming in the pool of all that I am and there is nothing harder and nothing more awakening. Months after just dipping my toes in I am now completely immersed in it. Some days I feel as if I am drowning. On those days I'd like to get out and run away from the edge, hide behind a nearby maple tree and pretend I don't know what is merely feet away. It wouldn't work though, because whether I swim in it or not I will always know that it isn't an entity separate from my being, it is my being.

Yesterday
"You can change your life by altering your thoughts"
Could something so inspirational and simple come from a shameless plug for a spiritual leader on a poster in the subway? Apparently. Perhaps it wasn't shameless. After all, I read it and am now devoting an entire blog post to it. Like I've said before, sometimes it doesn't matter where the words come from, as long as they come. I believe my thoughts need a makeover. I sat in a meeting this morning and was told I am worth more than what I am doing right now. You would think this wouldn't have come as a shock to me but it did a bit. Somewhere along the way I was programmed to believe I was put here to support the people I love so they could achieve greatness and reach beyond the unreachable. I was taught to carry them when they fell and to be accessible to them above all else. These lessons are not terrible in their entirety, but they are lacking the notion that I should and can be doing these things for myself as well and that I also deserve the same in return.

My dreams are still very much a part of me. I believe they are what twists my mind and nudges me into feeling uncomfortable when I settle for something less then what I am, what I deserve, and what I should be giving. Perhaps it is in the absolute melancholy of knowing one's life is lacking something that we find the energy and the sheer resilience to push forward and to break down walls.

Today...
Perhaps it is in the unifying of many unrelated thoughts that we figure out we are ok even after we've had moments of uncertainty. Perhaps it is this unification that binds together the forces needed to create change within ourselves and our lives.

Or perhaps it's all just babble. Either way, there's no harm in releasing a little babble now and then. Who knows, maybe that babble will end up on a poster on the subway someday, prompting someone to think about their lives in a completely different way.