Disappearing Act

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. ~Fr. Alfred D'Souza"

The noise of Grand Central station can be deafening. People move in swarms through the enormous building, their shoes squeaking on the shiny floors as they rush to catch a train. It's one of the most astounding places to stand in the middle of. You can feel like it is impossible to escape the crowds of people while at the same time feeling completely alone. I stood frozen in the middle of the floor waiting for my feet to move but they wouldn't. I could feel something shifting within me and suddenly I wasn't sure which way to turn. The snow was falling outside and slowly my past and present melted into one and the dirt that had soiled the ground was covered in a pristine white blanket. There was nowhere to go and suddenly I realized I was exactly where I was supposed to be. The tears felt amazing and what I was left with was the motivation to move. Some days it doesn't feel like I have a home but then I hear a voice. It reminds me to look in the mirror. It tells me sink into my soul and feel the warmth of how far I've come and suddenly I realize I am always home as long as I have myself.

It seems there is something tragic in trying to see the rhyme and reason to the events of ones life. It leaves us empty handed and utterly heartbroken. We are made up of the words that we speak, the events of our days, and our actions towards others. For better or worse these are our lives. It would be a shame to waste it by thinking life only begins once we figure everything out or once we jump a certain number of hurdles. It's the figuring out of oneself that is what living life is all about. We can only hope to do it gracefully and without setting fire to the things and people around us. There's no easy route to get to the island of our souls where we truly understand who we are and why. There's no map and no tour guide. We are free to explore at our own will and it can be bitterly painful some days. When we feel it though, when we find the core of ourselves there is a calmness and a confidence to it.

There will be times when you get lost. There will be times when you question everything you figured out about yourself. There will always be those weeks that make us doubt the things we have fought for and make us feel slightly hopeless about life in general. I'm here to tell you it won't last forever and as sure as the sun will rise in the morning the pain will ease. Sometimes at the end of what feels like a black tunnel stands a moment in time that whispers in your ear that you are ok. You're ok and not only that, you're not alone. There are these beautiful words and these beautiful faces surrounding you and all of a sudden the pain eases and you realize this is your life. It's no one else's and the way you are living it is exactly how you set out to.

I was standing in the middle of Grand Central Station not sure where I was going or how I ended up there. I closed my eyes and let go. I slipped into the beautiful melancholy of the moment and realized being stuck was ok for the moment.

Eventually I opened my eyes and I could see clearly again. The life that had vanished was merely becoming clean again. The snow had fallen and when I awoke the next morning all that had seemed to have disappeared was visible again. I was free to dance and laugh and remember all of the reasons why I am more then ok right now.

Monday

There used to be this book I loved as a child, it was called "Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day". If you've never heard of it, buy it, if you've never read it, read it. Even as a grown woman I can still relate to this story because sometimes we get out of bed and what ensues is just a mess of wretched disaster. Luckily we get to go to bed at the end of it and wake up to a new day, hopefully better then the last.

I should have known that fainting in the shower was a good reason to go back to bed and avoid the rest of the day. Luckily I am a pro at fainting and know how to handle myself right before the lights go out and right after they come back on. I woke up in the corner of my bathtub after sliding down the wall. A bit scary being that I was alone and there is always the fear of hitting one's head on the porcelain walls or floor. Like I said, I'm a pro so I grabbed onto the shower door and slowly slid down the wall as I felt it happening. I'm sure I was only out for a few moments, that's usually how long it lasts. Now don't be alarmed, this sort of thing happens to me. It all started as a child when I fainted in my aunt's wedding. I was a flower girl standing at the alter when it happened. I went on to faint in high school during class, in college during a presentation, in the shower while studying abroad in Ireland, and my favorite, on the subway in Grand Central Station. Apparently it runs in my family. Check the purses of my mother, cousin, and aunts and you will be sure to find a large pack of gum, a snack (usually a granola bar) and perhaps a bottle of water. We go over like feathers in the wind. The rest of my morning was followed by crowded subways, an extremely creepy man forcing me to stick my nose so far into my book I couldn't actually see the words anymore, forgetting my card to get into the building that I work in, and of course being late for work after all that. The worst thing of all? I'm having a bad hair day. Go ahead, you can laugh. We all have days like this, and don't they seem to fall on a Monday so very often? I just fell asleep at my desk and so I decided to tell this little tale rather than waiting for work to show up.

So hopefully the rest of the day will be better then the beginning. Hopefully I'll at least be able to avoid fainting in some inappropriate place. That can only happen once a day right?

I laugh because sometimes if you don't laugh, you'll just cry.

So just laugh.

It's Just Love

I'm not sure if you know this but sometimes the ride is no fun at all. Sometimes the ride hurts like hell. And sometimes the ride nearly kills us.

The way I see it though, being nearly killed is not the same as being killed. We're not dead yet. All we can do is wait, because as someone very wise has always told me, nothing lasts forever. The bad crashes in and pummels the shores of our hearts with earthshattering force and uncertainty. With an equal amount of force comes the calm after the storm. The wave recedes and leaves us stronger and beautifully bathed in another moment that we survived.

Sometimes during those moments when we are gripping the pillow that is catching our tears it's something unexpected that brings us back to reality and reminds us who we are and why we can go on.

The phone might ring and on the other end of it might be someone who is desparately in need of your strength and love. It might be someone who is going through something a little bit worse, or just a little bit different then what you are going through. They'll tell you they believe their life is over and that they absolutely feel as if their heart has been shattered to pieces and they'll never recover. You'll listen to this person whom you love and care about so deeply share their story, cry, and explain exactly why every ounce of life is unfair. You'll agree with them, life isn't fair. But it's kind of all we have...

After listening to them talk until they have no words left, you'll give them everything you have to give. You will sympathize and then you will cry with them. You'll find a way to make them laugh, and you will assure them that they are not alone. You'll tell them that their life is not over and that it couldn't be because you wouldn't be able to live without them. You will tell them that you will get through it together and that tomorrow is a new day.

The thing is, sometimes we can't save ourselves. Sometimes right at the very moment we are ready to give in and crawl into the dark hole that someone has so effortlessly created for us the phone rings. In saving that someone who we love more than life itself we save ourselves in the process.

There are always going to be moments that hurt so much that breathing becomes difficult. Those moments will without a doubt make your entire chest burn with the unmistakeable feeling of heartbreak. That doesn't mean we will stop loving. We have to love. There will always be moments when it feels like it's all crashing down around us. It's those moments that make us. And without love, well without love there would be nothing to continue fighting for.

No one ever said it would be easy. If we got off the ride though we would miss the breathtaking moments when the water recedes and we are left with the reasons we keep coming back in the first place.

I believe in love. I believe without it we truly would have no reason to go on. I believe the person on the other end of the phone believes it too, sometimes it just feels a bit farther away then other times.